Dear You

Good Place

2010-01-13T15:25:00.000-05:00

Dear You,

Lately, instead of being lonely, I've been filled with a sense of fullness; almost as if life is somehow complete. Don't get me wrong, I still would love to be with you, but I haven't felt the acute pain I've been dealing with before. I almost feel like my life is complete for now...like I'm perfectly happy being single.

I have no idea where this came from; all I know is that God must be incredibly faithful to honor my prayers for contentment. I haven't ever felt this content with my relationship status and it's almost weird to be so happy with my singleness. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to be single forever, but for the time being, I'm more than happy with being "just me." I can't imagine being in a relationship in the near future because I know I have some work to do before I go seeking my soul mate. I want to grow into the woman God wants me to be before I meet you :)

Being this happy is a little strange for me, but I'm not going to complain...happiness is something I can deal with! Even though I know that I want to meet you someday, I'm in no hurry to rush God's plan. I know that if I continue to trust Him, He'll blow me away with his beautiful story for my life. And at the end of the day, I'm confident that you are a part of His plan :)

So until we meet, I'll keep living a full and HAPPY life,

'Tis the Season

2009-12-24T18:17:00.000-05:00

Dear You,

It's Christmas Eve! I've always loved Christmas, because it's a time for me to remember my Savior, who was born to save me from my sins. I like to picture Jesus as a baby, with Mary cuddling him close; I love remember that Jesus was indeed a real person who started out as a baby. I'm always humbled by how amazing His grace is...I definitely don't deserve what He's done for me.

As excited as I am for Christmas, it also hurts a little knowing I'm not celebrating with you. The holidays are yet another reminder for single people that they are alone; we don't have a special someone to buy presents for or kids to surprise. I don't have someone to hold hands with during Christmas Eve services and no kids to tuck in to bed to wait for Santa's arrival.

But during the Christmas season, I have hope that someday I'll have those things. I believe that God has a beautiful future planned for me. I trust that He will give me a family to bake for, a Christmas tree to decorate with my kids, a hand to hold as we watch our kids open their presents. I have faith that He will bring you into my life and we'll have many wonderful Christmases in our future.

Have Faith

2009-11-22T20:30:00.000-05:00

Dear You,

When I was in middle school, I started praying for a best friend. I waiting almost 10 years before God answered my prayer and now I have an amazing friend, Emily, who is the best friend I could ever ask for. There were times that I wanted someone, anyone to be friends with, even if they weren't the right kind of person for me to be around. However, I've learned recently that God's plan for my life is better than my own plan, even though sometimes it hurts to wait for Him. If I had settled for mediocre relationships, I would have never gotten close with Emily. She's the perfect complement to my personality and I'm so glad all the pain and tears were finally worth it.

Waiting for you is just like waiting for a best friend: I've been praying for almost as long for God to bring me a godly man with no answer. There are times I just want to say, "Hello?? God, are you listening to my prayers? Do you see me cry myself to sleep because I'm so lonely? Do you care that I'm hurting?" I did the same thing when I was praying for a friend, but my impatience didn't speed up God's plan any. He knows when the right time is to bring you into my life and I have to trust He is working.

Dear one, it all comes down to faith: do I believe that God has my best interest in mind or do I believe He's holding out on me? I've been shown through praying for a best friend that He does indeed have my best interest in mind...it just might not look like what I think it should. I struggle daily with trusting He has my love life perfectly planned and I often forget that I'm not the one in control. For me, it all boils down to faith. Do I trust that God is going to answer my prayers, even when it takes Him a long time? Or do I doubt that He is indeed good and in control of my entire existence?

Even when it's hard, I pray that I can choose to trust He is good. He brought me an amazing best friend, so I know He can bring you into my life...I just need to have faith.

Faithfully loving you,

22

2009-10-27T04:43:00.000-04:00

Dear You,

Today is my 22nd birthday. I wish you were here to celebrate it with me; however, a larger part of me is glad you're not here, for several reasons I'm going to list:

1. I can go out with my friends tonight and get hit on without worrying about what you would think.

2. I can eat cake without feeling guilty about gaining weight!

3. I don't have to worry about dividing my day in so many places (your parents, my parents, my work friends, my school friends, etc)

4. I can stay out as late as I want tonight without feeling guilty that I've neglected you and come home in any condition I want ;)

Ok, so maybe those are lame excuses for being glad you're not here, but hey, they make me feel better. I've been struggling a lot lately with being single but for right now, I'm ok with it. I'm learning to live in the moment and allow God to work when He sees fit...not sure if this was what I pictured 22 to look like but I know that it's exactly what God pictured!

Still loving you,

Holding Out On Me

2009-10-18T16:29:00.000-04:00

Dear You,

What do you do when you feel like God is holding out on you? That's exactly what I'm feeling right now...I feel like God has forgotten me. Does He not see that I want more than anything to be a wife and mother? Doesn't He see that I'd be an amazing wife, loving and supporting of the things you would do? Doesn't He know my heart and my desire to love and raise kids of my own? Can't He see how much I'm hurting?

I really don't have words right now but I do know I'm hurting. I'm hurting more than I have in a long time and wish more than anything that God would see how much I hurt. I see people around me being blessed with boyfriends, fiances, husbands, and children and wish more than anything that I could experience the same blessings for myself.

Why is waiting so hard?

Thinking

2009-10-12T14:39:00.002-04:00

Dear You,

I've always been a thinking person...sometimes, it's been more of a bad thing than a good thing. I tend to get myself caught up in thinking about everything from clothes to world hunger. However, I often think a lot about you and what our life together will look like someday.

I think about our wedding and what a beautiful day it will be. I picture me in an ivory lace dress holding a bouquet of flowers and my dad's arm; at the same time, I picture you standing at the front of the church waiting for me to meet you. I think about what it will feel like when the church doors open and our eyes meet for the first time. Will I cry? Will you cry? What will I be thinking about as I walk down the aisle to meet you?

One thing that's always been consistent in my thinking is that I always pictured myself married young. For pete's sake, my mom was pregnant with me when she was my age and even my grandma had a baby too, so my models for relationships are all young moms. Now that I'm 2 weeks away from 22, I realize that my dream of being a young wife and mom probably won't come true. I'm not over the hill by any means, but the way I thought my life would end up isn't happening. There are times when I wish things were different and that you and I were together already...I'm not going to lie, waiting for you is one of the hardest things I've ever done! However, I am slowly realizing that God knows exactly what He's doing; even though my plans aren't working out, His are right on track.

So I'll just keep thinking but at the same time, I'll be expectant for what's to come. I don't want to think so much that my expectations of you are too unrealistic. I don't want to imagine this perfect little life and then be disappointed when things aren't like I pictured. I'll allow God to bless me with a love only He can script and will wait for His plans to unfold.

Thinking about you,

My Prayer Today

2009-09-23T10:24:00.000-04:00

Dear You,

Today for some reason, God has been prompting me to pray for you. I'm not sure why, but I'm going to because God must know you need it right now.

"Lord, right now I pray for my future husband, whoever he is and wherever he is. I pray that You would be with him right now and provide for his needs in a way only You can. I'm not sure what's going on in his life, but You do, so I ask that You would give him strength to face whatever comes his way. I also pray that You would surround him with people who will love and support him in the decisions and choices he makes. I ask that You would shape his heart to be a man after Your own heart so that he can be a mighty force for Your kingdom. Keep him focused on You and protect him as he lives a life worthy of Your calling.

Jesus, please keep shaping me to be the woman he needs and help me to remember that it's Your timing, not mine, when our paths will cross. Help me to remember and realize that true contentment comes only from You; please teach me what it means to wholly embrace you as the One who can meet all my needs!"

I hope you realize that I pray for you daily! Whenever I get down about being single, I use that as a reminder to pray for you...that way, I'm doing something productive while I wait.

Loving you, even though you're not here yet,

Thankful?

2009-09-18T12:28:00.000-04:00

Dear You,

"Give thanks in all circumstances"

There are times when this verse from 1 Thessalonians makes me want to hurl. Why in the world would I want to thank God for keeping me from being in a relationship right now?? And why would I want to say thanks for being miserable, even when I strive not to be?

I really struggle with being thankful for my singleness...it's one of the biggest points of contention in my life. It frustrates me so much, because I hate being miserable about something I really can't change. I've prayed that God would open my heart to the possibilities and opportunities of singleness since I was a teenager but even now at almost 22, I still detest being single. I have read every book possible, prayed every prayer I know how, and have tearfully wrestled with God countless times but still cannot make myself be thankful for my singleness.

Dear one, I feel like such a failure for not knowing how to allow God to fill my emptiness. I struggle with knowing how to know and understand that God is more than capable of being my "all." I am so caught up in feeling lonely that I can't focus on the Creator of my heart. I find myself being almost angry at God for denying me what I want more than anything; I resent hearing how I should be happy with Him because I don't know HOW to be happy in Him alone.

Ever since I was a teenager, I knew in my heart that my deepest desire was to be a wife and mama. When others were planning for powerful careers, I dreamed about raising babies and being a good wife. I also dreamed of being a young mama...something that hasn't happened. I'm resentful because my plans haven't happened; I'm angry at God for not letting me having what I want more than anything else in life. I struggle to keep a positive perspective on my singleness when everyone around me is happy with a boyfriend or husband.

I really wish you were here...

Wait For Me!

2009-09-11T20:44:00.002-04:00

Dear You,

I've had this poem saved on my computer for quite some time but didn't have a good place to post it. However, I think now is the perfect time to share with you!

Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone, to have a deep relationship with another, to be loved thoroughly and exclusively.

But to His child, the Lord says: No, not until you are satisfied, fulfilled, and content with being loved by Me; with giving yourself totally and unreservedly to Me to have an intensely personal relationship with Me alone, discovering that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found.

Only then will you be capable of the most perfect relationship that I have planned for you. I want you to stop planning, stop wishing, and allow Me to give you the most thrilling plan existing… one that you cannot imagine (Proverbs 3:5-6).

I want you to have the best. Please allow Me to bring it to you. You just keep watching Me. Keep experiencing the satisfaction that I am. Keep listening and learning the things that I tell you. Just waiting-that's all.

Don't be anxious. Don't worry. Don't look around at all the things others have gotten or that I have given them. Don't look at all the things you think you want. Just keep looking up to Me.

And then, when I know you are ready, I'll surprise you with a love far wonderful than any you would dream of. You see, I'm working at this moment to have you both ready at the same time. Until you are satisfied exclusively with Me, and the life I've given you, you won't be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with Me.

Dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love, I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with Me, and to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty, perfection, and love that I offer you with myself. Know that I love you utterly. Be satisfied in Me.

Praying to be content in Him,

Classes=Torture

2009-09-07T10:39:00.000-04:00

Dear You,

It always makes me laugh to hear people talk about their Knight in Shining Armor riding in on his white horse to sweep them off their feet. I've begun telling people that I wish you'd get off your horse and just take a car to come find me because a car would be quicker and I'm tired of waiting!

My class schedule this semester is going to be pure torture! Not only am I taking a Human Sexuality class but also, the main portion of my nursing clinicals are going to be OB...I'm being tortured by babies and sex, neither of which I can have right now! As I'm learning the finer points of child-rearing and lovemaking, I feel an acute sense of longing; I wish you were here so we could share these things together.

A good blogging friend reminded me the other day that Satan loves to use our weaknesses to tear us down. He knows what will work and what doesn't, so the things we are most insecure about are what he uses to distract us from God's bigger and more beautiful plan. Well, he certainly has been using my desire for marriage and a family in a big way lately. I feel like I'm being attacked from all sides and can't catch a break to recover before another slam is thrown my way. There have been times I've wondered if you're even out there and if I'm worthy enough of having you.

But God quietly whispers to me and tells me "Stephanie, he's out there...just wait for My timing!" So I have the assurance of knowing that God is in control, even though I struggle with doubts. I know that I can't rush God's timing; He sees the big picture, not me. There's a reason why you're not here right now. I need to grow more in order to be the kind of woman you need...I'm not ready to be your wife yet! Even though it hurts to be in this awful waiting process, I'm going to trust that God will cross our paths when we're both ready.

All my love and prayers,

Not Marriable

2009-08-21T11:16:00.002-04:00

Dear You,

Yesterday at the hospital, one of my patients decided they needed to break my spirit a little bit. As I was caring for her, she asked me "Are you married?" When I told her no, she replied "Oh, I didn't think you would be...you're not a very attractive person anyway!"

My heart sank as I left the room and I wondered what on earth ever possessed that woman to say such a horrible thing to the person taking care of her? As I walked back to my computer and sat down to chart, my good mood was very quickly extinguished as old insecurities suddenly came flooding back:

"Will I ever find someone who will find me beautiful?"

"What is so utterly wrong with me?"

"Why do people have to be so heartless?"

I guess I struggle with self esteem because I've never really had people tell me I'm attractive. Yes, my parents have told me I'm pretty, but you really can't trust everything they tell you. It's been really hard the past few years, because I've put on weight but probably what's made things worse is having a very pretty younger sister. I try not to be envious, but it's really hard when you hear family members talking about Melanie as "the pretty one" and being referred to yourself as "the smart one." Whenever I go out with her, I'm acutely aware of the looks she attracts from men of all ages and have been a "victim" (I use the term loosely) of her good looks. When we're at restaurants, she gets drinks refilled while mine sit empty. She earns winks and smiles while I don't even receive eye contact.

I know I should be confident in my worth as daughter of the King. I really wish I could. But when it's me against the world, odds are, the world is going to win. When nothing outside of me is telling me I'm attractive, the likelihood I'm going to be confident in my femininity is very, very low. That's why I'm trying to fight back with God on my side...I'm desperately trying to replace the lies with The Truth; The Truth that I'm a beautiful child of God with a worth far more than the world would like me to believe.

But even then, I still have a desire for human validation. I'm looking forward to the day when you will put your arm around me, kiss me on the forehead, and tell me how much you love me. I don't know when that's going to happen but I still believe God will bring you when the time is right.

So as always, until we meet, I'll keep being,

If This Brings You Praise

2009-08-13T14:19:00.002-04:00

Dear You,

Last night, I went to a Jeremy Camp and MercyMe concert and had a blast! The music was fantastic and the weather was absolutely perfect...but that's not what stuck with me the most.

Bart Millard of MercyMe said something between songs that really stuck with me. It actually brought tears to my eyes because it hit so close to home. I'm sure I'm not going to get this right, but here's the gist of what he said:

I used to be unhappy about things in my life; I felt like things were crumbling around me and that life was way too hard. I hated what where I was at and couldn't understand why I couldn't have what I wanted. However, God brought me to my knees and finally I got "it."

I decided that my life circumstances are all to bring glory to God. Life's not about me, it's about Him. And if where I was at brought glory to God, then I decided to accept it. If the bad things that were happening to me brought Him glory, then I knew that's where I wanted to be.

I said to God "If this stuff that I'm going through brings you glory, then bring the rain."

I've been wrestling with the things happening in my life, whether it be my dad's layoff or my singleness, and have not had the best attitude towards anything bad happening. However, this concept really helped me realize what my existence is about. So rather than complaining because I don't know you yet or about how lonely I am, I should be saying "Thank You, God, may You be glorified in this time."

Even though I still don't like the difficult things happening in my life, my perspective on them has been changed. I know that I'm not going to be alone for the rest of my life...this stage of my life is a finite one. But I also know that God is to be glorified in my single years, so I won't take away His glory by being miserable.

So until we meet, I will allow God to be glorified in my waiting.

Always,

August 5, 2009

2009-08-05T09:11:00.005-04:00

Dear You,

I hope that one day you can read these letters, because it would be pretty pointless to write these if you're not going to read them. And I must admit, it's a little weird to be writing to someone I don't even know yet!

Maybe I should tell you what's going on in my life right now...not that you won't already know! I'm getting ready to go back to school for my senior year of nursing school. I'm not really looking forward to going back, but I have to remind myself that since it's my last year, I have something to look forward to...GRADUATION! When I would think about my graduation and nursing pinning ceremony, I always pictured you would be there. I pictured me walking across the stage with a big smile to match my big diploma, then running off to give you a huge hug. Right now, that doesn't look very promising, but maybe God will surprise me!

Right now, the thing that has brought me the most joy has been my job. Yes, I'm tired when I make my hour long drive home after a 12 hour shift and yes, there are days when I'm so frustrated I can't think straight. However, despite all those things that irritate me about work, I'm in love with my job. I love my patients and the joy they bring me. I love my coworkers (well, some of them anyway) and what they've taught me about being an excellent nurse. But most of all, I love the satisfaction and independence working has brought me...I feel like I'm finally growing up into the real world.

Well, I should probably get ready to go to work...they called me in because we're so busy in the SICU.

So until next time, I'll remain,

Dear You

2009-08-04T14:51:00.001-04:00

To my future husband,

Lately, waiting for you has been somewhat of a challenge. All around me, I see happy couples with cute babies and wish you would come a little quicker. I'm feeling left out and wonder why God hasn't chosen to bring us together yet. To be honest, I'm really lonely right now! Things are finally going right in my life and while I'm incredibly fulfilled with my job and new church, I still feel like there's a spot in my life that's blatantly empty. I think what's missing is YOU.

Even though I get upset, sometimes cry, and tend throw myself a pity party, I've been allowing myself to think about you a little more. I wonder if I already know you...wouldn't it be funny if you were already in my life? I also wonder what you look like; are you tall and muscular? Blonde or brunette? Secretly, I hope you're tall and strong, because I have a desire to feel protected when you put your arm around me.

What do you do for a living? Are you in business, or do you save lives in the medical field? Call me selfish, but I hope you're in the medical field like me...that way, we can talk "shop" without confusion ;-) Do you have big goals for your life? Do you cherish traditional values, like faith and family as much as I do?

What I've been doing lately when I get upset about not having you in my life is pray for you. I'm praying that God is shaping you to be the man I need, a man who will be the head of our household and leader of our future family. I pray that He is using your life experiences to make you a strong man, one willing to stand up and defend your values. And even though I'm hurting right now, I know that I am being shaped to be the perfect wife for you!

When I allow myself to think about the future, I see a beautiful love story only God could create. I see a beautiful wedding, you and I pledging our lives to each other. I see me pregnant and happy, then a few years down the road with kids and dogs. I envision raising a family with you, growing old with you, loving you.

So until then, I'll keep living my life to the fullest, praying that we will meet in God's perfect timing. And when we do, I am confident that our love story will be even more beautiful than I have ever dreamed about!

Until we meet,